Dale Carnegie wrote “How to Win Friends & Influence People” in 1936 and the book’s lessons and insights are still just as relevant today as back then. In fact, in the age of the internet, social media, remote work, and declining face-to-face and verbal interaction, the book’s lessons may be more relevant today than ever. The book provides timeless advice on communication and developing interpersonal relationships. With over 30 million copies sold worldwide, it is one of the best selling books of all time.
No less than Warren Buffett consistently praises Carnegie’s work, stating, “If I hadn’t done that [course], my whole life would be different.” Terrified of public speaking, a young Buffett enrolled in a Dale Carnegie course at age 20. Buffett says, “That $100 course gave me the most important degree I have. It’s certainly had the biggest impact in terms of my subsequent success.” While Buffett does not display his college degrees, he still proudly displays the Dale Carnegie course diploma in his Omaha office.
While I highly recommend reading the whole book (which contains a wealth of knowledge and examples), here are 11 of the many “Principles” Carnegie lists to: (1) handle people, (2) make people like you, (3) win people to your way of thinking, and (4) change people’s minds without giving offense.
- Don’t criticize, condemn, or complain. Instead of complaining about someone, try to understand them and figure out why they do what they do. Criticism can breed resentment.
- Give honest and sincere appreciation. People hunger for appreciation and are receptive to those that show honest appreciation (not flattery) for their deeds. Gratitude goes a long way and is remembered by those who receive it. Lead with praise and give praise often.
- Arouse in the other person an eager want. Understand the desires, interests, and motivations of others and find ways to help them achieve their goals and solve their problems.
- Become genuinely interested in other people. Encourage others to talk about themselves. Actively listen to people. Ask them open-ended questions that show you are paying attention and demonstrate a genuine curiosity about their life. This will endear them to you.
- Smile. Smiling diffuses awkwardness and brings levity to the conversation. It demonstrates your goodwill, lowers defenses, and increases others’ comfort level and willingness to share.
- Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language. Remembering names shows that you care and makes people feel special. Using someone’s name in conversation with them demonstrates that you are speaking directly to them, and conveys that your focus and attention is squarely on them.
- Make the other person feel important – and do it sincerely. The desire to be important is one of the deepest urges in human nature. People want to be valued, respected, and recognized for their worth and accomplishments. The truth is most people you meet feel themselves superior in some way, and a sure way to their hearts is to let them know you recognize their importance.
- Show respect for the other person’s opinions. Never say, “You’re wrong.” Avoid argument. Don’t engage in unnecessary arguments. Even if you win the debate, it could cost the other person’s goodwill. It’s often more effective to find areas of agreement and build consensus. The person may also be right, so it’s important to sincerely consider their opinions.
- Let the other person do most of the talking. People love to talk about themselves and most people would rather talk about their achievements and situation than listen to us talk about our own. Ask them follow-up questions and listen patiently with an open mind.
- Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person. Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly. Let the other person save face. When you make a mistake, admit it quickly and avoid blaming others. Taking responsibility builds trust. When you give criticism, do so indirectly and generally. Combine praise with indirect criticism. Carnegie gives the example: “We’re really proud of you for raising your grades, and by continuing the same efforts next term, your grade can be up with all the others.” We only damage ego by causing someone to lose face.
- Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to. If you want to improve a person in a certain respect, act as though that particular trait were already one of their great characteristics, such that correcting the fault will be easy. With a reputation to live up to, a person will feel they can’t let you down and will happy to do what you suggest.
The book title “How to Win Friends & Influence People” may be a bit cheesy, but it is direct and the content delivers on the title’s promise. Many of these lessons may seem quite obvious at first, but if we’re truly honest with ourselves, how many people actually consistently put these lessons into practice? The key takeaway here is that the basic skills of public speaking and interpersonal communication are two of the most important components of success in life. Mastering these lessons serves you well in your family life, social life, and career. It’s a competitive world. Do yourself the favor of internalizing these lessons to optimize your chances of success. You never know from where or from whom your next opportunity will come, so act accordingly when interacting with people.
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